Society

Has society robbed us of the right to parent?  Have we all essentially heard the message that we don’t know what we are doing?  Consult the experts.  Read the books.  Do as we say, or you will screw them up.  Have we turned ‘being’ a parent into a new found acquired skill – like wine tasting, or tennis?  As if we are the first breed that no longer has any maternal or parental instincts.  Isn’t parenting a way of ‘being?’  I think it is.

Now before I rant much further I want to draw a small line… there is nothing wrong with gathering developmental information on children as a way of supporting the wonderful parent that you already are.  There is nothing wrong with a little research if you know nothing about children.   However, these days many new parents spend more time in a panicked state about their overall ability to do this job.  The night stands are stacked with a minimum of 5 different authors all claiming that they know how to make your child happier and how to make your parenting more effective.  If we read them all with a grain of salt and only took the information that best suited us and our children I would be all for the books, but… I am not so convinced that this how parents are reading them.  In fact I think many parents feel like one big failure if their child isn’t doing what the book says.  Or worse, that they themselves are not doing a good enough job.  Not too mention that there are so many different methods in each individual book and many of which contradict the other.  It is like the nurses on the maternity ward all over again… each coming to you with their own way to diaper, bath, feed and schedule your newborn!

I often hear parents say that they are reading the books because they are searching for tools.  The tool our parents used was spanking… quick, fast, no talking needed & effective at curbing even the most undesirable child’s behaviour.  However, society no longer supports that method and fair enough… I don’t believe we need to do this to educate our children.  So we all turned to ‘time outs’ – but all too quickly we lost those too.  The experts message… we will damage our children psychologically!

Again we have lost the ability to do it correctly.  It is no wonder families are struggling.  So I guess you are all wondering what I suggest:  Well, to be honest it doesn’t matter what I think, I empower parents to figure out what they think is best.  Decide on your values – be honest with yourself about them, have some family house rules that support your values, create space between you and your child when you feel you are losing your patience, it is ok to say NO, ignore your friend who thinks you are doing it all wrong – let her focus on her own kids, yet be compassionate to your friends who are doing their best, ask for help once in a while, know that this is not a science, it is the art of building relationships… relationships with the little people in your lives who mean the most to you… they are not in a book, they are in your heart.  Oh… and be kind to yourself… very kind.  (And maybe take up wine tasting…)

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